To be of use to others and to be of use to myself.
I’m very afraid that I’m losing what strength I had. I have shut everyone and everything out since I lost you. I left everything I knew behind, honestly. My life went dark and I rebuilt myself. But I’m afraid I’ve rebuilt myself in a way I don’t like. Sure, people can change. I can change. But.. how? How, after you’ve already changed so much, can you do it all over again? It took a life altering,heart-crushing decision to change me.
I wish I could love again so easily like you can. You’re happy, you’re loving and I’m glad I didn’t leave your life a mess like I left my own. I’m so confused and hurt and I feel like I have this intense dislike in my heart. For myself and for, really, everyone around me.
I think I’ve found someone new to love, who I’d give my everything to. Just like you’ve done.. but he’s so far and I’m here. I’m stuck in a situation that I can’t get out of.
I don’t know if you know, but sometimes, when I think I want to die, it’s because I’m torn to pieces and I think that’s the only way out. I think my life is so god awful that dying is Plan B. It’s the next best thing because it’s easier than living. But, right now, I’m thinking about dying and how it would feel to die on OK terms with my life. What would it be like to die without any other reason than wanting to be free, and not due to pain? Wanting to free your soul because even though you have no clue if after death, existence is some big black hole or an amazing abyss of light and, well, freedom.
Kind of like a bird. I’m thinking about death right now and it doesn’t seem so bad. I’m not going to hurt myself, but the thought of dying being something positive.. it’s foreign to me. I’m not trying to romanticize death, but it feels good not to be scared.
I don’t know. I just hope that I can tear down the walls around my heart for 10 seconds to let someone really in, or let everyone else that has been there back in. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I keep to myself, ignore texts so people get angry with me because I’m a bad friend. But I’m not a bad friend, I just want a hiatus from the wasted conversations. I want meaning again and I don’t want to waste my time with something useless.